“What do vegans eat?”
If you are a vegan you’ve almost certainly been asked this question like three million times. Whether it stems from a place of good natured curiosity, or from the deep dark recesses of troll caves there is little doubt that our diet is of interest to many folks.
Well, today let’s set the record straight, once and for all. Here is the definitive guide to what vegans eat, and why.
Ready? Great! Let’s explore the wide and wonderful world of vegan food, so you can stop asking me that question.
What Do Vegans Eat?
It’s no secret that we vegans love ourselves a tasty rainbow. Really, who doesn’t? Filled with delicious colors and carrying a zesty aftertaste of social justice, rainbows are high up on the list of our favorite food.
When did you last have yourself a helping of big bright rainbow?
Oak, pine, sycamore, willow, beech, or even sequoia tree bark is a fundamental ingredient in all sorts of vegan foods and beverages. Try steeping a bit of oak bark for tea, or prepare a fine willow bark pasta to get the most out of your tree bark meal.
Eat it raw vegan style, or try steaming with some cloud poop for the best possible combination of taste and nutritional value.
Woody Allen nailed it in “Annie Hall” back in the 70s. So why is there still so much confusion about what vegans eat?
It’s the vegan substitute for a mashed yam, or even the fabled mashed potato. Try your serving of mashed yeast with a thick and hot tree bark gravy. It’s the perfect side dish for holidays and at family gatherings! If you are British mashed yeast will surely impress just about anyone as part of your Sunday roast tradition. Get on it!
I couldn’t find a good picture of mashed yeast, but it looks a lot like this.
Not enough could be said about this staple of every vegan diet. We’re just grateful that there are SO MANY clouds in the sky, because when they start pooping we just run into the streets, look up at the skies, and open our mouths.
Can’t get enough of that cloud poop.
Ahhhh, moss. Where would we be without your spongy goodness? Whether forest moss, or the finest lake rock moss, there is such a wide range of yumminess to be found anytime you head into nature. Moss availability is the number one reason there are so many vegans in Portland?
Moss can be prepared in many ways, making it one of the most versatile ingredients in a vegan stir-fry, vegan soup, or a vegan Thanksgiving roast. Cook it up with some garlic, or load it up with ginger and a side of pond water to wash down the intense flavor. Moss is where it’s AT. For real.
This is our favorite meal to eat after scrolling through never ending troll bait on Twitter. We love us a nice healthy plate of pure happiness. Nothing really compares to an evening spent chowing down on good vibes while sipping on a fine dry vegan chardonnay.
Crunchy and nutritious, avocado pits allow us vegans to get that valuable protein in our diets. Because, honestly, where else would we get our proteins? Spinach? Kale? Beans? Tofu? Bah! No thanks. We’ll take the avocado pit any day of the week.
Best served lukewarm at breakfast with a steaming cup of tree sweat.
Prepared with paprika and peanut oil, spicy sand is a great midday snack. If we are craving something crunchy and picante we truly can’t think of anything better. For an extra kick try serving spicy sand with a side of sunshine. Unbeatable.
Pond Scum Butter
Nothing says “Vegan Breakfast” like a plate of Pond Scum butter. Spread it on bark, slather it on moss, smother your face in it. Whatever you decide to do, it’s amazing.
Crappy Vegan Burgers
“I once tried a vegan burger and it was dry, and gross, and just plain disgusting. Give me more cow!!” Raise your hands if you ever heard this line from your non vegan friends.
Don’t go off on a vegan rant, proudly own it! We eat really terrible, just plain bad, appetite killing vegan burgers. So what? Sue us!
When looking for a quick vegan snack just raid your bathroom. To prepare this delicacy, remember NOT to wash between the tiles on cleaning day, and just let that yummy goodness grow. Optimal maturity is six months, so you will have to cultivate your tile mold for a while, but just like sourdough it’s worth the wait! Once it’s ready, just scrape and serve over a heaping mound of dry tree leaves.
This dish goes over like gangbusters at Christmas, especially if your mold is in the seven to eight month grow range.
Free Range Hugs
Hugs are great, but they’re only vegan if they’re free range hugs. Found roaming the plains and prairies of Texas and Oklahoma you can get your free range hugs just by approaching any of the citizens of those two states and telling them you are a vegan. After that, its a veritable feast!
We prefer our free range hugs to come with a plate of sympathy, but we’ll take them plain as well. A perfect starter to any vegan meal!
Did anyone say dessert? We sure did! And what’s better after your meal of Cloud Poop and Pond Scum than a big ol’ bowl of craisins? Ummm…nothing. There is nothing better. So munch down folks, vegan desserts just don’t get any better than this!
More on What Vegans Eat
As you can see, we vegans have quite the wide variety of tastes and palates. So the next time someone asks you what vegans eat, let them know! We eat what YOU eat if you take animal products out of your diet.
By no means does this article cover everything vegans eat. We didn’t even cover slop, gruel, and unicorn musk. So, as you can see the options are endless!
PS – please consult a medical professional before em-barking [hehe] on a new diet, especially the one outlined in this article.